Don’t fuss; don’t fight.

Posted on May 11, 2024 by tec

It’s been so long. I don’t even know what I’m doing back here. It was just….muscle memory. To come back. To write. To pour my soul on the page and pray the trauma releases from my body.

I’m so tired.

I won’t ever stop fighting. But I’m tired. And hell, maybe I’m supposed to stop the fight. I dunno.

But it’s Mother’s Day weekend. It’s the anniversary of the things that went down. And I know there have been dozens of new moments I’ve created over the years. Hundreds of breaths and joys. Love and gratitude that abound. Yet still it’s the attack that trumps. And it feels inaccurate to call it an attack, and yet I don’t know what to call it. The violation. The event. The irreparable damage. The….memory.

There are many events and people I’ve let go of over the years. This one keeps sticking. I don’t have to know the hows and whys of it. I mostly accept that it’s simply part of the experience I’m experiencing. I have a harder time with….my body not being able to forget. That the memory and the trauma are still here and continue to linger. When I might be free of it. That it can sometimes feel so toxic and debilitating and sharp.

I have a hard time…..being in the present with it. Because I’m still so angry. Because I continue to feel violated. Because I’ve come up with every excuse for himself and still can’t simply sit with the terrified little girl who knew she wasn’t safe…..but kept hoping against hope that maybe she was safe enough.

The reality was, I wasn’t safe. I didn’t know better and didn’t have tools to do better or demand better. I didn’t know it was bad enough that I should have left. The reality was….I truly was doing the best I could. It’s probably time I start making peace with that. And accept reality even if I didn’t like it and even if it hurt like hell.

I’m not required to keep hurting. I surrender this. Little by little. To the best of my ability.

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Just like you said it would be.

Posted on April 29, 2023 by tec

I didn’t eat the chocolate today.
I *wanted* to eat the chocolate today.

Well.
A part of me wanted to eat the chocolate.

I sat with it instead.
I reminded myself it wouldn’t offset any of the feelings or reasons I wanted it in the first place.
I waited with it until it passed onto something else.

Not hoping it would pass.
Not with expectation.
Simply as company.

A couple times I made the decision and got distracted for a moment and then forgot I had made the decision and felt the pull again and then it was required I make the decision again.
In the past I would have developed decision fatigue.
Today I let each time wash anew and didn’t tally them up as weight.

Each time I start to wonder if I’ve any traction at all….
The universe throws me some slack and nips that wonder in the bud.

Patience and grace and perspective and gratitude.
Over and over and over and over.

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The beauty that you can’t see.

Posted on April 24, 2023 by tec

It’s starting to come back.
The feeling of home without any ownership.
It’s weird to feel like….maybe I have to earn my way back.

Or something.

Today I asked questions.
Can I have this? Do we want that? Help show me my next step with L? Chips? No?…..hmmm….

And then I didn’t. Because part of this is the awareness to ask the question in the first place. But the another part is the follow through. The trust without reservation. Doing the damn thing, even when I have no desire to or reason to.
Do it simply because source said so and I asked and I can listen.
Do it because I know it’s my highest.
Because I want to experience all these miracles as normal.
Because I want allllllll the damn magic.
Because I asked to merge with my soul no matter the cost.
And I refuse to take that back.

I’m human through and through.
I’m gonna make mistakes over and over.
But it will all be perfect. Because it’s all on his time and in his picture. And I got no worries.

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Breathe sometimes.

Posted on April 23, 2023 by tec

I’m gonna do a 100 day thing.
Today’s the first day.
I feel much more naked here than I expected now that I’m typing.

Safe to say it’s because of the 100+ censored comments from my last post in 2021. All spam. Which feels like such a violation. And perhaps that’s why this doesn’t feel like home.

It’s an interesting thing to leave a place. I left my tiny corner of the internet and assumed it would just be left untouched. Unscathed. And in my absence, it was littered upon. Which, in part, is fine. No harm no foul. Nothing that can’t be lather. rinse. repeat. in order to bring it back to its original….whatever.

But still something about that feels…..dirty.

I wonder if there’s a metaphor here. Or perhaps I’m tired and it’s a stretch.
Perhaps I’m caressing a thing that’s passing. Perhaps I’m intertwining my fingers through its fingers and keeping it here passed its time.

Which brings me back to the 100 days.
I’m gonna start asking source about my next moves.
My next best step.
Where I’m supposed to let go and where I’m supposed to flesh out.
Where every thing is nothing and no thing is everything.
I await all its human messiness as I practice a higher awareness and acceptance.
I’m excited for all the unfolding.

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Cut through the noise.

Posted on April 23, 2023 by tec

It’s been a long time.
I think I had imagined that when I came back it would feel like coming home.
But it doesn’t.

Not to say it won’t.
Time will tell.
It always does.

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Breathe me back to life.

Posted on June 19, 2021 by tec

Pain triggers me to want to eat.

It’s so innate and so primal, that I didn’t even want to come here to write about it because the thought of not getting to eat while I’m in this much pain is just…devastating.

And there’s nothing saying I can’t both write and eat. But typically writing disarms the urge. And these things I’m navigating tonight–this eating disorder and these thoughts–are just fucking destroyed at the prospect of not being satiated with food.

My pain today is like a 14. And the really hard thing is that I thought my pain yesterday was high. Which means this 14 could be so much more unbearable tomorrow.

I know I’m supposed to stay in today. In the moment. I know I’m supposed to ask where my feet are. I know I’m supposed to say “your will and the power to carry that out” and “do something cool.”

But fuck. This pain feels so much more than “an interesting sensation”. It’s so much bigger than me.

And so I want to eat. Because maybe eating doesn’t help the little things anymore, but maybe–just maybe–it could help the big things.

And the really terrible thing is that I don’t even believe that. My body does. And so now it’s another instance of my body trying to catch up with what my head already knows.

~~~~~~~

And I’m still sitting here trying to figure out if I can justify cake and ice cream because “it sounds good”. Because it’s a fun treat and we rarely have cake and so what. I’m thinking “as often as possible” and it just doesn’t feel possible right now.

God damnit.

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To get me through.

Posted on June 7, 2021 by tec

Today was a simplistically good day.

I needed a reboot and I took it. This morning I decided that “as often as possible” would be abundant today. That the previous days were lacking in quantity and today gets to be different.

I’ve been teetering on “okayish”. I’d much prefer to leave off the ish.

Today I was okay and that felt really great. I didn’t have any treats or desserts or snacks today. Extra food didn’t sound appealing. Time didn’t dictate my actions. So I just did my day, ate a couple small meals, and let “as often as possible” do its thing.

I did goodness. I am goodness.

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Taking its wear.

Posted on June 5, 2021 by tec

It crossed my mind today “as much as possible” and it didn’t dawn on me until a second ago when I was typing it that it’s “as often as possible.”

Make healthy food choices as often as possible.

And I dunno if it makes a difference. I dunno if it matters. I do know that I thought the phrase all on my own and that is a win. I also know it didn’t entirely feel possible and so I chose to eat in less than healthy ways. Probably less of a win.

But, you know, maybe not? The lessons don’t just *poof* learn themselves.

So here I am thinking I didn’t really need all that ice cream. Or probably any of it. And I feel a little ill. And that’s okay. And well, let’s “as often as possible” a little more tomorrow.

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Hey little girl.

Posted on June 1, 2021 by tec

It’s on my mind today to eat. At breakfast I ate some on my regular food, but not all. Then I mindlessly ate some corn chips with the middlest while watching Arrested Development. I wasn’t full at the time, but after I stopped, I got full. And I’ve stayed full. And that was hours ago. I didn’t even really eat all that much.

So it’s an interesting thing to sit here and feel full. I’m not especially a fan. But as Julie taught me–it’s “an interesting sensation* and there’s no need to attach anything to it. It’s a fascinating exercise to not feel comfortable in my own skin. Like, literally.

In the past it’s been triggering for me to feel full. Today isn’t much different; the eating is still on my mind.

But I’m not engaging. And I’m not stomping about not engaging. I can feel the feelings without participating in the binge. I can remember “as often as possible” and know that possible is doable right now.

This is another instance where I tell myself that is a win, even tho my body doesn’t actually know it’s a win.

Baby steps.

How I’m showing up for myself today is enough.

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I’ve carried hope and heavy daydreams.

Posted on May 26, 2021 by tec

I’m all out of mental…everything.

Like, I’m so out of mental everything that it hurts too much to muster the energy to mumble “do something cool”.

I feel like I could break down and sob. But nothing comes. I’m just stuck in this…vibration. Almost headache. Almost nausea. Almost almost. But not actually anywhere. Echoes of feedback bouncing off the walls. No relief in sight.

I need to close my eyes.

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